when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
