like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
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I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
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cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
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