If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
