i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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