You smell like stripper and shame
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
