LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
