Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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