all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
