If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
