My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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