Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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