so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
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did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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