My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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