I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
