I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
