toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
