Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
