"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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