I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
