Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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