You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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