Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
