Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
