good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Vodka?
Forever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
