this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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