I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
