I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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