you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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