You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
