My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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