i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
