i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
