we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
