if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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