There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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