Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
