I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Boobs speak an international language.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
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