my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Randomize
