last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
