Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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