Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
