i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
