your parents love me but you hate me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
