I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
