how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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