Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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