Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream