9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.