i love accidental penises.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.