I will die if light touches me.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
