While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
