My underwear smells like fireworks.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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