last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
