The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
