He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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