White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
