i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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